...

I try not to think.

but he breathes within me,
I feel the rise and fall where my breath used to be,

I feel him brush against my heart,
 a bright red within a kingdom so dark

I try not to give in, 

But he seduces me,

I try in vain not to fall for the daedal dreams,

they swim in front of me like an ocean of purple mist, 

He beckons me to part my lips and taste freedom.

Forbidden as it may seem, the silver tempts me,  

I fall to my knees but he holds me up,

lets me crash into his arms instead,

a blue drop of dew rolls by,

and red velvet kisses it away,

I lay there trying to decide, maybe its not too late,

I push him away but he pulls me in,
in flashes of wine and orange we play,

I want to untangle my fingers but he tightens his grip,

the smooth silk against a bloodied mess,

but he doesn't complain,he turns on his charm instead,

I look into his eyes, entranced,

dark and mysterious, they welcome me,

the rush of blood to my head feels good,

but wait!, when did I fall down to the brown floor?

I question to know his name, 

as i feel the yellow of life fading away,

he comes closer and breathes into my hair,

'I am the angel of death' he says, 

I meet his gaze one last time,

and the colors begin to melt away,

I dissolve into my land of perfection,

deep within my shades of grey. 

A Moment for me..

Let me take a moment out of my life..

and spend it all on me..

not worried if i did the right thing or fumbled yet again

not waiting for someone to come and show me the right way.

Let me discover what i have forgotten,

the best things i have ever done

the last time i stood and took a breath under the sun,

My best idea or my worst nightmare,

let me, for a moment, forget the world tonight,

let me just sit at my window, by myself, and stare.

Let me forget all the judgement and remember my own thoughts

let me forget what i am supposed to do

let me remember something so simple as 'i loved fried eggs for breakfast'

Let me confess my love without inhibitions,

without the boundaries of should and should not.

let me decide my reasons for why 'i do' and why 'i cannot'.

Let me lay down my head for just a minute,

on the bosoms of  wild flowers,

let me walk endlessly no care about time and hours...

Let me run as fast as i can and forget the fear of falling down, 

let me feel the air through my fingers,

.. my heart racing.

Let me dance to my songs,ones that set me free, 

Let me live..let me feel the life within me.

PS: in the pic a wallpaper on my phone that says a lot..

A new Year..

A new year for all of us always well almost always begins with new promises being made, and majority of them actually to our own selves. We call them resolutions. A few (especially ones related to alcohol) made at the stroke midnight with that much loved champaign glass in our hand and some planned so throughly after a year full of crap you have got into due to these habits, which you eventually do get back to. There are also a few which start and last for about 2 weeks before you decide you have given your best attempt (these are often related to morning walks) and then there are a few which somehow like a 5 year government development plan get postponed to the next new year, which even then have no guarantee of being executed.

A new year also comes along with the dreaded week after new years when somehow, no matter how you try to distract yourself, you keep reminiscing about the year gone by. I should confess i am no exception to this pathetic behavior displayed by all hopeless humans. For me a new year brought along with it a new town in which i will be spending close to 7 months and amongst all the shifting and u-hauling and running to work at 7am and driving through crazy traffic  i still found time to day dream or think about the year gone by. About all the moments of happiness and disappointments, promises of morning walks and marathons that got marched on, of valentines day with my best girlfriend spent in the most 'karan johar film' style by cribbing about guys with a coke bottle at hand, of uncontrollable laughter with friends and gossip sessions with bffs, of job resignations and acceptance into MS, of paper boats sent out on streams on streets while walking without umbrellas, of airport goodbyes and sleepless flights, of landing in a new country, of new challenges faced and overcome, of friendships made and forgotten, of golden eyes and crooked grins,of hairy bears and volleyball games, of road trips and 1st snow fall, of new York and a world never seen, of ice skating and the nasty falls had, of being at the most happening place in the world and wanting to step out, of family and friends missed and remembered, of losing myself and waiting to discover...

But as always a new year is always a fresh start .. a chance to start anew,with a new job in a new country. Time to discover some new talents, some new hobbies, get into some new adventures and sing a few new songs, travel to new places and meet new people. A brand new chance to rediscover..to start what you never dared ...to be what you never could..to chose...to breakaway all over again..

"Out of the darkness and into the sun
I wont forget all the one's that i love,
i gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change,
and Breakaway...."

PS: Pic of wall street at NY (buildings with a hundred floors ..swinging on revolving doors maybe i donno where they'll take me).. taken on a walk back after a day spent walking around on one of the last days on 2010.

out of luck..not yet!

I am at the airport from past two hours.. reading a novel mixed with browsing so i don't fall asleep and lose my bags...i have 6 more hours to kill... no one to talk to..a blizzard alert at precisely the time my flight is scheduled to land.. and the fortune cookie that accompanied my dinner told me to share my good and my bad fortune with my friends (which under current pessimistic conditions i would have interpreted as 'might have to go back home after 8 hours of wait gone to waste', however i refrain from doing so to still keep some faith in the fact that a bad day could after all turn around...) .. i have been the last to leave this town which means after countless hugs and good byes at the bus stations (trust me nothing like a hug from a friend when you're going on a journey..) i finally left without someone even shaking my hand.. the bus from Bloomington to Indianapolis had just one passenger for its journey, me! and being Christmas all the possible shops at the airport are closed(which means no coffee and certainly nothing to eat...even the usual Starbucks that stays open 24 hours and 7 days a week has shut its shop at 11 today..)..sometimes you just run out of luck i guess.. I have kept some of the coffee that i got about 2 hours ago with me even though its gone cold now to keep me awake and alive incase i get too hungry..

A steady stream of people arriving from far away places disturbs the silence of the lobby every few minutes. Relatives wearing Santa caps give them tight hugs and take them along...makes me wish for august right in the middle of December when i could go home too..

12 hours later ....
I finally made it to New York.. amidst some really bad turbulence and a constant fear or flights being canceled...Its snowing really bad now.. probably the worst i have ever seen...The snow on the terrace opposite to my house started as just a thin layer and is now about a foot high flowing over the ledges..But i finally did make it..To NY ..away from the loneliness of a town that was nothing without the smiles that adorn it. Amongst a town that promises so many things to watch that you don't have the time to think about whats missing...

PS: In the pic the blizzard waited just long enough for me to reach here.

Whitewashed...

This December was the 1st time in my life i saw and experienced snowfall. 1st time that i realized 'Oh! this isn't rain.. these are small lil tiny snow flakes!!' They stuck on my winter coat and refused to melt. This was the 1st time that i got to observe them and realize they actually do look like those pictures on Christmas greeting cards. Had my 1st walk across the street to my bus stop and tasted snow..and as crazy as this sounds, walking with your mouth open to feel the chilled snow flakes dissolve on your tongue..it does feel great. 

Winter brings in the curse of  'binging on anything you find' upon you and hence the completely strange cravings for totally unhealthy oily Chinese food. Which means you are tempted to drive out at 12 am and drag your roommates along with you to find  'The' place that will satiate your cravings. After 20 mins of driving in circles around downtown to find a suitable place we finally abandoned the search for 'The' Chinese place and were ready to settle for anyplace that would be open at that hour as nothing could satisfy us but 'Chinese....'. Finally some place was still open and we entered about 10 mins before they close. After delaying their shutting down time by an hour and our tummies full from the yummy, 'not healthy at all', 12 am chinese food we went searching for our car which by now was covered by snow and what better way to clear off all that snow if not for a snow fight. :) :) ....A lot of slipping, laughing, aiming, shooting, running and screaming minutes later...

i had had my 1st snow fight... without gloves or a snow jacket on..The snow went inside our clothes and inspired impromptu dances to get it out. Our hands ached from the cold. We put the cooking stove on to get some color back in them (Blue in such circumstances is not a color you want see your hands in.. plus you only have 10 fingers afterall... )

The sky was a bright orange at 1 am in the morning. We later realized it was due to all the light that was reflected by the snow. I was way to tired to stay up beyond this point and there ended my 1st snow adventure. The next morning the view from the balcony was amazing. Everything was covered under a white blanket of snow. It was beautiful and cold. Like as if someone up there decided to white wash the world every year before he could color it again with a different combination of colors this time around. Different strokes each year...

PS: the view outside my apartment and at left most corner my car that serves as 'ammunition reserve' to make snow balls when your parked outside the restaurant without a shovel.

November Rain...

It's that time of the year here in US when the Christmas spirit is yet to be magical and the thanksgiving spirit is responsible for making your days all warm and fuzzy. The beautiful colors of fall have all dried up and the snow yet to come. So what remains... November rain!!
Rains in Mumbai and US are way too different from each other. In Mumbai, the rain is warm and the wind is cool, in US the rain is cold and the wind even more colder. Somehow the sweet smell that drifts up when cool water drops fall on the dried up ground doesn't exist here or maybe its just because the windows have to be closed over here all the time that we do not realize. In Mumbai you feel like getting drenched, looking up at the sky and smiling. here its so cold when it rains I go running into my closet to search for an extra jacket that would fit snuggly under my raincoat so not a drop gets through... In Mumbai i carried an umbrella and purposely closed it up when i walked back home, got wet, and told mom that the wind was just too much for my umbrella to handle. In US my only umbrella has lost its precious button and hence the ability to open. I cursed myself a thousand times today morning when i realized i had yet not yet bought a new one to replace that. Consequences of procrastination : Stuff the laptop compartment in your bag with free newsletters to avoid your laptop from taking a shower while you run to the nearest bus-stop shelter. Use your coat to cover the bag till you realize you aren't a polar dog meant to run through temperatures this low and decide to screw what happens with the laptop and cover yourself before you realize you have a few digits missing. I never knew that all the sneakers you got back in Mumbai that advertised "how your feet could breath through your shoes yada-yada" were actually true. I feel like duct taping all those tiny vents in my shoes when the wind is too cold or its raining outside, cause believe me if there was any more ventilation than this i'd rather walk just in my socks and not wear any shoes at all.
 Rains in Mumbai would mean mom is making hot Pakoda's at home cause dad loves them. In Mumbai no matter how much it rained my 'hot cup of tea' stays hot for long enough for me to sip it with pleasure, in US i have to reheat my cup of tea at least 3 times before i can finish it and not have gobbled it down.
However in Mumbai or in US, long conversations with friends over hot coffee/tea always remain the most rocking part of your day, a good book always seems to get you out of my rainy blues and into a great mood, a mushy/funny movie is always appreciated, a hot tea/coffee cup in your hand (even if its reheated a million times) is always welcome, warm socks and that snuggly jacket is always searched for, wish to meet your loved one is always gossiped over and mom made Pakoda's are always remembered.

PS: Pic of somethings that make a cold day worthwhile..

Unplanned part - 2 and more..

Pack you bags and get out was out mantra for the 3 days i was at Pittsburg. One such chilly morning when we started out with "very well made plans" of visiting the nearby temple since it was Diwali and visiting the temple would have been so auspicious, however then we heard the bells ring at a nearby cathedral and  the door was wide open. Need i say more. we were in  in a second and it was so beautiful. Stained glass windows depicting bible verses, a hundred candles lit at the feet of a humble statue of lord Jesus. Knelt and prayed for a while and just as we were heading towards the candles to light one and go out we met a fairly old gentleman who started telling us about his life. How he had gone from being wasted youth who was addicted to alcohol to meet his wife 'love of his life' and  how she had inspired him to take charge of his life and be an entrepreneur. PHe is the owner of a  medical equipments form called DMR in Pittsburg. When we checked out on net later on it indeed was true. He said some really profound things to us. The one that stuck with me was "Courage and Faith thats all you need". He kind of gave our trip a big closure when he talked about life so passionately, about being who you are and how Joann of arc dared to do things she never though were possible. After this we waited for two hours to execute our planned trip to the temple but this trip was never about having a plan...That church visit and the candle lit there was our diwali prayer. True when someone says.. "God is a presence"..present here..present where you want to pray to him :)

We spent the last evening at Pittsburg reading at a coffee shop, well trying to read as i tried to concentrate but all so many people walking outside kept distracting me. After a while i gave up and just stared out of the window. Got some postcards to mail and ate some fantastic Indian cuisine at night inspite of not being hungry..damn these taste buds will kill me one day. 

This was a few days back and now i am successful back to Bloomington, the town that i am have grown to love. Today the weather was so lovely i just couldn't keep myself at home. A lovely park bench and a book to fall in love with. What else do you need to live? :)

The evening ended with a swim after a long long time. I can feel a lot of forgotten body parts right now!!

Somethings are best, unplanned...

What is this life if full of care... we have no time to stand and stare... :)
                                                   - Leisure by William Henry Davis
This trip has been like the ones many of us plan and never get to execute.. The one trip without any plans.
The flight braved through a lot of clouds and made me feel like i was on some bumpy, roller coaster ride. Me and my friend actually started wondering what our last wishes would be if this was it for us :P. One and half hour after we had been airborne we landed safely at (very wet) Cleaveland Ohio. The connecting flight was even more of an adventure as the pilot seemed to be an ardent fan or F1 racing cause he turned the plane on the run way in speeds that seemed unreal for planes to be reaching at least when they are on ground. and as soon as he turned instead of the customary stop that planes take before getting into the 'take off' mode just gained more speed and within a a minute we were airborne.. phew! that was ...well something!!

The drive from the airport to mad-mex (a Mexican place that is supposed to be famous but i didn't like a thing that they served ) gave me a small glimpse of  a beautiful town on the banks of Hudson. It kept throwing up bridges after bridges lit up in a million ways and each built with a new shape in mind. Somehow I always seem to take a walk in the new place i am in either by coincidence or intentionally immediately after i reach. A 1st feel of the place. As luck would have it, our Pitsburg friend had to drop off his zip car and hence gave e an opportunity to see pitsburg out on the streets. The walk back gave me a view that i knew i would rarely get a chance to see. A walk down the empty roads of a new town at midnight. A town bathing in its own beauty. Minus the people. Just the buildings that are lit up in their own glory . People studying in the library. Cathedrals that have their domes bright and shiny, as if looking over the town. A visit to a gas station to arrange for tomorrows breakfast and the fear in the cashiers eyes when he sees someone a little too much in frolicking mode enter the shop. The walk home with my breath heavy with mist as the wind got colder.

The next day was exactly how  I could not have planned it.  It was raining when we got out of the house. The wind was cold but the streets filled with students. Again a different side than what i had experienced the previous night. Both CMU  and UPit are beautiful. The buildings are a good mix of old and modern architecture. Some even a 100 years old. Every hallway smells of fresh brewed coffee and old books. Every corner filled with students and laptops. Concert rooms humming with live recitals still ring in my ears. A little farther down the hallway a course on bagpipes mesmerizes you.Sculptures made from soft white stones adorn the hallways and there at the center of the campus stands a huge art work called "a walk to the sky" which is actually a huge pole slanted at about 30 degrees and has people walking on it skywards. Seems a little out of place but who am i to judge when IU campus has a mermaid and a huge red 'almost circle' as artwork. However  all these places reminded me of my school back in Bloomington and how everything about it is so much more beautiful. It also makes me realize i need to go explore my neighborhood more. That the best parts are yet unseen.

Next came the best part of the trip. A random walk without any plans made ahead of time, that made us take an impromptu break at Starbucks where I had some divine Cinnamon flavored coffee. Against the cool wind the burning hot coffee tasted like 'life' itself...A few steps ahead and it was time for another break, this time at the CMU museum of natural history, but as all unplanned things go we ended up chatting in the cafe for an hour rather than visiting the museum itself. Sitting at a place and watching the town go by tells you an entirely different story about any town. Students that crossed the roads. People huddling up close to each other as they walked passed. A lot of colorful umbrellas. A woman with all american clothes and pretty Indian earnings (jhumka's) that walked past with a huge smile on her face. A family enjoying a sumptuous meal on the table next to us. All of them a part of this town, its all of them that make this one different from the rest that exist. This town was more of youth and less of business suites walking around. This town was more of books and coffee and less of football. This town was more of food and museums and less of bars.

We did ultimately reach our destination (downtown) at about 6 in the evening. Ate at a Chinese restaurant where we ended up ordering just a lot of vegetables and no curry.  The fried rice was the best i have tasted or maybe i was just very hungry.  my friend looked at google maps and i looked at the shop names. Guess who was to discover the Burlington coat factory first?? I can't believe i beat google maps to it. Spent a lot of time trying on different hats, almost all the shades that were on display and every shoe that was available in a size larger than 8 (Disappointed as there were not much that were that big). Then some crazy impulse overtook us and in freezing temperatures we went to McD's and got ourselves some even more freezing mocha's. Up untill now only our bodies were cold now every inch of my body within me was freezing too, but it was a sinful experience none the less. A perfect unplanned 1st day ended with a sumptuous meal at an Indian restaurant with some really fantastic Indian food all complete with Samosa's, Naan's and Punjabi vegetable curries with paneer and not the usual tofu we find at every nook and corner. A meal where we ate cause our taste buds wouldn't allow us to stop even thoug i am sure if your stomachs could speak they were screaming bloody murder. A walk back home into the warmth of the night and the onset of diwali completed my day 'in another place', 'another town' and 'another everything'..But it will always be back to you.. just not today! Let me unplan for a few more moments here.

Pics: a bridge from the many during the drive from the airport and the freezing frape mocha's that two freezing souls devoured just on impulse.. :)

Breakaway...

In a way, I need a change From this burnout scene Another time, another town Another everything But it's always back to you....
             - Shattered by OAR


Sometimes you need to take a few songs seriously and act on them.. So in a period of two days we  booked tickets and i am in Pittsburg! Bloomington is addictive. I realize it now that i am away from it. I knew i'd miss it earlier too but i miss it more when i have a lot on my mind and not the familiar terrain to get all of it out on. Life makes you go all weired ways before it can show you what the right one is.. I have seen a lot of the weired ways i could go. Some are so becoming, they pull you into them. But i read somewhere one time "There is always a choice..". This time its my chance to chose. This trip is my nirvana, a choice to chose a few things to leave behind to find new addictions. I need to get back to things i used to love doing. Go back to swimming, now that i have the time. Go back to running, now that i can go back to it. Lose myself in things that always needed time and i could not give it to them. 
Another song that comes to mind : 

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here!

-    Dare you to move by Switchfoot

so true...


PS: was supposed to be posted last night... in the pic ..my path to salvation...where i can go on long long walks all by myself..

Moments like this...

So even if your day is really busy and you would probably not find enough time to sleep or cook there are still a few moments in life that make you stop in your tracks.. take a breath and wonder "yeah that definitely makes a difference in me"...
Living so far away from home has given me a chance to come up with quiet a few of these moments..not all are positive but none the less they made a difference...moments when i discovered that i can actually stay away from my family and not die makes me feel strong. To see people being extra ordinary leaders and take control of situations where you are not sure of yourself makes me feel confident of being able to do that someday, to know that 'kind' exist somewhere. To see people as calm as the breeze helped me realize that that's probably something i want to be. To keep a smile on my face when the going gets tough, to not worry bout the judgment made on me..these are the ones that unlike calm water do not ripple out at the slightest provocation but instead find a way around the obstacles they face. A few innocent smiles and shared secrets makes me realize that its not impossible to find friends.. that the innocence of friendship does exist somewhere even amongst all that is said and done... The fact that life still inspires me here to do something better ..something bigger ..... It makes me realize i am not here to wait on time.. that i have to keep moving on..
Life here teaches you to know the importance of little things in life and not always wait on a huge occasion to celebrate... making 'vegetable curry' successfully calls for a photograph and tasting each others kitchen disasters connects us...i have learned to live life differently here.. to live life in moments.. to let them inspire me..

PS: credits for tittle to my very recent friend and pic taken on a walk on a windy sunday morning..